Stand By Me

I have been looking forward to this day for a while now. I was ready to venture to see you again because it has been over a month since I last saw you. I wondered if things have changed with you. Had feelings changed? Have you forgotten about me? So many irrational thoughts were on my mind as I sat waiting at the airport. Florida felt like a light year away and all the anticipation of finally seeing your face only made me wish I was inebriated.

I have pictured the moment of seeing you as I stepped out of the airport so many times in my head. What will I say? What will you say? Would there be any moment of awkwardness? But when I stepped out of the airport, there you were. We smiled at each other and we just kissed. It was as though no time had passed since that day in the 25th hour. Everything felt so foreign to me as I stared out of the car window. I saw endless sun and sky in what I had imagined Florida to be. I was happy now and I could see myself being happy here.

That foreign atmosphere quickly became something I was familiar with because we were on our way to eat some Ethiopian food for lunch. I had only eaten at Ethiopian restaurants with you when you were still in Philadelphia. The moment we sat down with our food, I was immediately brought back with all the memories of our food adventures. Seeing you smile while we eat has always been one of my favorite sights.

I wanted to know what life has been like for you since you have moved here. Has life in Florida been kind to you? Throughout my time spent with you, I can tell you were content with the change. You were ready to call Florida your new home and I saw your life rooting here. I wanted to be happy for you because this was the life you chose. I felt like the villain in the story of your life because I could not be happy for you. I was suffering from this cognitive dissonance that I cannot seem to resolve. I was ready to be happy for you but that would mean I could never truly be with you. My life is not in Gainesville and we both knew it. So where does this leave this so-called relationship?

I know how much you hate talking about the nature of this relationship but I needed to ask you in person. Who was I to you? Was there any point to continue with this charade where we pretend everything is okay. I know you’re selfish because you told me yourself. You will always put your career first and that was fine with me. But did that mean compromise does not exist in your mental lexicon? Am I not deserving of any value in your heart or perhaps I simply did not matter to you? You are someone I care a lot about and you mean a lot to me, but I doubt you can say the same in return. Do you not think I deserve more than to be used and discarded? How casually cruel you are to make me fall in love with you.

All these questions and thoughts I have in my head are parasitic in my mind. It is as though my brain runs through these insecurities and factitious scenarios at the speed of light. I am my own prisoner and my mind is my coffin. To ask you how you feel about this relationship is just as difficult for me as it is for you to respond. I never feel as though I have enough courage to ask but I knew I had to ask on my last night with you. You had said everything was fine and you wanted this to continue. Is it truly fine for you? Was this enough for you? This had never been enough for me. We have known each other for almost 3 years, been seeing each other for 8 months, and still, you cannot bring yourself to admit we are dating. You told me you did not want a long-distance relationship but here we are doing the exact thing you did not want in the first place. Can I be selfish for once? I just want you to choose me for once. How long do you think we can keep up with what we have now if you have no intention of ever choosing me. Be a merciful executioner and let me go.

It was so nice to sleep next to you again and be able to wake up to see you smile. Imagine a world where we are living together and being able to say all the things that tug on our heartstrings. Imagine a world where we could hold hands and walk along the beach without boundaries. Imagine a world like that.

Maybe someday you will decide to stand by me.

St. Augustine

Imagine a world like that