25

What does it even mean to be 25? Am I qualified to call myself an adult yet? I think it is irresponsible of the world to let me go on unsupervised. I wish there was a book or maybe a good podcast about how to do the most basic things in adulting, like how to do taxes without feeling like you will get audited by the IRS. Maybe even learn about how to find a job and negotiate for a salary that you deserve. I wish I could say I have all this figured out but I am so far from it. One of the best things that came out of this pandemic was I actually started to seriously manage my personal finances. Who knew there was a whole community in which people can get real benefits from using the right credit cards. I hopped on this train very quickly once I found out about how to correctly navigate the credit card game. I also learned about savings, stock investments, and Roth IRA/ 401K. Sure this sounds impressive on paper but this doesn’t mean I internally feel like I am doing all the right things in life. I am not stupid, no one knows what all the right things are but I just want someone to tell me what to do sometimes.

I want to go on mental autopilot because feelings are too much sometimes. I have realized feelings only get more complicated as you get older because other people’s opinions start to have more effect. Not giving a shit is probably one of the hardest things to do. I know I know, all I talk about are feelings and relationships. I wish I didn’t have to talk about it or write about it, but I think I would literally go insane with my own thoughts if I didn’t expel it out of my brain. I can hardly remember a time when none of this mattered to me. Before all the convolutions of liking & loving someone, I was only taking care of myself. I did not have to think about anyone else but myself. Love is another full-time job that I didn’t sign up for but somehow I am employed anyways.

What is it about love that keeps me trying? I realized it is not even about sex anymore. I have tried that and I have gone through that phase when I did not involve emotions. Believe me when I say I have tried, but it never panned out well. I know I can never continue this casual hookup scene. I wanted and needed more because being wanted feels like morphine. I have always felt like the timing is never on my side because every man I have ever liked just goes away in the end. And here I am by myself, stuck in this predicament and the cruel cycle begins once again. Do you know how much it sucks to love someone and they do not love you back? It is just shit. I honestly cannot articulate that feeling of unrequited love with words other than shit.

The worse part of getting older is that I am just feeling bored most of the time. It is not that I am momentarily bored but rather more of a perpetual feeling of boredom. I am in a good place where I am not depressed or burnt out, I am just feeling blah. I am simply languishing. I wake up most days now just feeling nothing because nothing really excites me. Even when there are things to look forward to, those events are so ephemeral that the second that things end, I feel nothing again. It is as if my hedonic treadmill oscillates at a higher frequency where baseline boredom is always right around the corner. I try to find new things that make me feel something, so I buy clothes and dress like it is fashion week every day. But that boredom does not go away and that feeling of languishing just sticks with me. The only time I really feel something is when I am fixated on liking someone. That is when I really feel the range of emotions, whether it is happiness or sadness. I am scared sometimes that I am just like Joe Goldberg from You (minus the murdering part).

Maybe I am a bit of a sociopath. The first time I really thought about this was when my grandpa passed away. I felt absolutely nothing. He has taken care of me since I was 10 and yet I felt nothing. I wasn’t sad or grieving, I just did not have any empathy in this situation. It was so weird to see everyone cry at the funeral. I understand why they were sad and grieving but I just did not have those emotions in me. I felt like I had to pretend to care and be sad. It was as though I was putting on an act because it felt like an obligation to me. The same thing happened when my grandma passed away a few months back. I did not feel anything, no sadness or grief, just nothing. To be honest, I don’t really know what to make of this.

I do not think there is a point to this post. I just turned 25 and this is where I am now. I like to ramble on and write what I am thinking because it is cathartic and cheaper than therapy. I do not think I care what other people might think if they ever read this. It might be better for people to know that I feel nothing most of the time. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯