Closure

Closure is one of those things I tell myself I need to feel okay. Whether it is closure in situations, conflicts, or relationships, I want closure because it means it is finally the end. This fallacy stems from movies in which I believe closure equates to resolution and that things will finally be right once more. But life is never like this.

My expectation of closure is likely a form of projection because receiving closure makes me feel safe on the inside. Closure alleviates any sense of ambiguity that is tormenting my brain. Is it fair to expect closure from the other party? Letting go of someone that was once important feels impossible most times. This desperate motivation for closure is because I believe it would help me feel whole again. When I am alone with my thoughts, I play out all the what-ifs. What if one thing had been different, would everything be different today? I don’t have a reason for never leaving well enough alone. Perhaps that is why I sit here with all my deepest hurt. Within this need for closure, I also go through the dilemma of seeking immediate closure vs. delayed closure. Should I look for closure as quickly as possible to alleviate the lingering stress, or should I delay the inevitable change coming my way? Somewhere in between these two states of closure is limbo.

Limbo is probably one of the worse places to be for someone like me. All the anxiety and depression only fuel the misery of the unknown. This will probably be the last times I will talk about J*** for a while, so let this be the final hurrah. I desperately seek closure because the nature of this relationship is equivocal. It took a jolt of courage for me to ask the inevitable question. Where is this relationship headed? I finally got an answer to this long quest for closure. I would be lying if I said I was shocked by his response. The truth is, I knew exactly what he was about to say before those very words came out of his mouth. All good things must come to an end, and I knew in the end I would leave alone. We were never made to last, so was I stupid to love him? Although change is coming my way, I will live in this ephemeral present with content. It is not the romantic ending I had dreamt about, but the melancholic dubiety no longer haunts me.

Though I know the answer to this relationship, it is far from closure. For the longest time, I believe that closure would bring me peace and happiness. That momentary relief is an illusion used to masquerade the deeper convolution of emotional turmoil. Even now, knowing the answer to my own dilemma, I am still filled with mixed emotions. Although I am not expressively sad, I can’t help but feel uneasy about all the memories and moments that were created between us. Part of me still wants to grasp onto the last thread of hope to delay the fated end. The inner pragmatism is constantly reminding me that it is time to let go. Feelings don’t disappear with a flick of a switch. I will always have love for him, but just not in the way of a lover. He will forever be part of my experience, and I am pleased to have shared this moment in time with J***. I am still filled with labyrinthian feelings that I cannot comprehend at this time, but perhaps one day, I will see clearly and decipher this puzzle. What I needed was not closure; rather, I needed the strength to come to terms with reality and myself. It is finally time for me to move through.

I know that it’s over, and I don’t need your closure.