Another lesson yet to learn

I’ve learned a lot about myself within these past few years. Though I’m only 24, I feel as though all my experiences so far have made me feel more mature than I actually am. Part of me wishes that my age reflects how I feel or act because I sense that I’m secretly in my 30s on the inside.

You’re probably wondering what the heck I’m talking about. Well, what I mean by feeling more mature than I actually am is that I want things most people in their early 20s don’t necessarily consider. I don’t like concerts, I never understood raves, and music festivals never appealed to me. I much rather stay home and drink wine with my friends. Speaking of friends, I really only have a handful of people that I actually call friends. These are the people that I care about and the people who I talk to about all my dating mishaps and the struggle of being an adult. I never understood how some people have hundreds of friends. That seems exhausting; aren’t you tired? I digress.

I care more for experiences rather than materialistic things. Don’t get me wrong; I like having nice things like a good leather jacket. But when it comes down to choosing between experience vs. materialism, I much rather create memories with people. I’ve been gradually downsizing my closet because most of my clothes no longer spark any joy (AKA I never wear them/ I forget I own that piece of clothing). All these things from the past cluttering in my apartment feel like being trapped, and it’s suffocating. I choose to spend money on experiences like traveling to a new city, visit a winery, or trying out a new restaurant. I will hold on dearly to these precious memories as the years go by.

Another sign that I’m secretly older than I actually am is that my favorite pastime now is looking at houses that I know I can’t afford on Zillow. I am in no financial position to buy a house, but something about house searching is just satisfying. I also like looking up ideas for interior design because I want to have a place one day where I can make all the design decisions. To be honest, I don’t know if this is an adult thing or just part of being gay. Maybe it’s both, and I’m okay with that. I like the idea of building a place and settling down with my partner. I tend to romanticize this last point. Reality is not a rom-com; it’s full of problems and arguments. It’s never easy for anyone to building a life with someone else. But for me, that is part of the deal. If I want to build a life with my partner, I need to embrace all the hardships that come with life. With that said, I really do want to settle down with someone for the long run, and I can envision myself being in that position now.

I’ve gone through my hookup phase, and I can’t see myself going back. To me, all of it felt empty because none of it had substance. The second that person leaves, I feel myself slipping further into a depressive void. What good is hooking up if you are all alone in a corner when all you’ve ever wanted was to hold on to someone at the end of the night. Maybe that’s why I was never good with one-night stands. At this point in life, I want someone who cares about me just as much as I care about them and someone to share moments with. Whether those moments are good or bad, we’ll be there for each other at the end of the day. What good is having all the success and money when you have no one to share it with.

Speaking of depressive voids, I finally dealt with my depression/ anxiety (it’s more of a work in progress). This seems like a very adult thing to do, right? Growing up, I had a tendency to hold everything in because I didn’t think people would understand. As long as I was the only one hurting and no one else was affected, then things were fine. What a slippery slope that was because I was depressed starting middle school (around when I was 12). I finally did something about it this past year, so that has been a great turning point in terms of managing my own mental health. Part of the healing process was also coming to terms with being who I am. I didn’t realize how much weight I was carrying before coming out. I almost peed my pants when I told my friends because I was so scared of what people would think. Thanks for being there for me, Asha. As I got older, I quickly stopped caring (ran out of fucks to give) what others might say because you can’t please everyone. Being yourself also means not comparing yourself to the stereotypes. I don’t like sports, not because I’m gay but because I don’t understand why people like seeing a bunch of guys running around throwing balls. On second thought, I change my mind. Also, just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I have to dress flamboyantly. Let me live in peace with my grey sweatpants and black hoodie. Being gay is just one aspect of my life, just like being Asian. I didn’t choose to be these things, but it is what it is. So to all the haters out there, can y’all just stop? I can’t magically stop being gay or stop being Asian.

I’ve never really discussed this with anyone but writing it all out here is very therapeutic. I’m sure there are many more lessons to learn, and my perspective will change with time. I wonder at what point will I stop considering myself as a kid and start taking up the mantel of being an adult. Alright, that’s enough rambling from this man-child!