Beginning of the end…

You know that feeling where you sense things are about to change? Well, something inside me is telling me that the end is near.

Here is my current predicament. We know that J*** will leave in July, but we’re currently still seeing each other. What does this “relationship” mean? And where does that leave me once he is gone? I want to make sense of what this means, but I don’t know what J*** is thinking. What is our endgame?

I should ask him and talk about where this is heading. Yet, I know that by asking him all these questions, there is a possibility that all this will end just like that. It is possible that J*** is just one of those guys who only think short-term. Maybe he simply wants to have sex twice a week for four months and casually end it just to be cruel. Is it wrong of me to want a meaningful relationship that is long-term? Why can’t we continue for just a bit longer? I am not asking for your hand in marriage or swear an oath to die for me. I just want to be around you for a little longer, and I hope you feel the same.

The healthy thing to do is express how I truly feel to prevent more hurt. It is only wishful thinking at this point to want things to work out without confronting the issue at hand. I cannot sense how J*** feels, and he never expressed his true intentions. Every time he mentions his eventual move, I die a little on the inside. I give him fake smiles and reassured him this would be a good opportunity for him. But my name is never part of that conversation. It has always been me telling him that I want to see him but never the reciprocal.

I am starting to feel like this situation is one-sided where I care about him more than he does about me. All the “I miss you” and “good morning” are beginning to seem like fake niceties. Our daily texting is just a false sense of intimacy that we provide each other without ever answering the million-dollar question. Where do I stand in your life, J***? Am I someone you only want when there are no other options? What if I’m someone you won’t talk about or give even a second thought about the moment you leave. I dread the day when we have run out of things to say to each other.

If all my darkest thoughts are true, then what we have is not love. It was all just hope for me because I loved and cared a little too much. Perhaps I want you because I know I can never have you. Nobody said loving someone was easy, but we fall in love anyway. If it all ends here, there will be so much that I miss about you. All the memories feel like magic but what we had was tragic. You are long gone out of my reach, and I know loving someone after you will be an uphill battle. Now and then, you will cross my mind, but I will learn to let you go. I was giving all my love, and you were busy taking. I guess I was not the one after all. But it would have been fun if you would have been the one.

If you want to go, then I will be so lonely. Once you are gone, I will be here again with my thoughts. I will sit here alone and wonder why I gave you a second chance only to see you walk away once more. But loving someone is about being brave. So let us be brave, J***, prove my thoughts wrong.