To my future self

To my future self,

I hope that when you reread this in a few years, you would have figured out how to love yourself a little more. I hope that you are no longer depressed by then because I really hate waking up feeling sad all the time. I hope that you have found someone to give all your love to and that they adore you just the same. Knowing myself, you have probably gone through so much hurt because you internalize all the mistakes and end up blaming yourself for all the failures. I hope that you would have stopped condemning yourself when a relationship doesn’t work out. I am trying very hard to remind myself every day that I am enough and I deserve love. I know it is easier said than done, but it is a work in progress. Hopefully, you have found/ will find a man who is not afraid to show you he loves you without the complication of unrequited love. At this point in your life, you tend to love a little too hard. This has led to many heartbreaks because you have the worse timing when dealing with men. Many guys are afraid of commitment, or perhaps they are not ready for a relationship. Those are not your problems, and you should not punish yourself for the sake of someone else. I hope that you have found a balance between loving someone unconditionally and protecting your heart.

I hope that you don’t lose sight of who you are because of someone else. I don’t want you to change your identity and who you are to please the other person. You have accomplished so much up to this point in life, and you are amazing because you are yourself. With that said, I wonder if you would chuckle when revisiting all these so-called relationships. The current “relationship” that you are dealing with is the one with J***. As of April of 2021, you are in limbo because you don’t know what this “relationship” means. You want to find out if he is using you just for hooking up or looking for something more. I am sure I don’t need to tell you, you wanted something more with J*** because this second chance with him seemed like it was heading towards something more long-term. If it all comes crashing down in a blazing fire, I hope that those scars would have made you stronger. Just know that for a brief moment, there was happiness and that there will be happiness after him. If you are reading this and end up with J***, I hope you are truly happy. No one teaches you what to do when a good man hurts you, but let me remind you that for every good man out there, a great man is waiting. So don’t settle for good because you deserve the best.

I hope that you would have also stopped worrying about all the what-ifs in your life. Up to now, this has caused a great deal of anxiety in your life. If you were meant to be with A***, then you would have been with him by now. But A*** is no longer in your life, and you should move on to live yours. I am you, so I know it was sad that you never experienced what it could have been with him. It was great while it lasted, so let us leave well enough alone.

I hope that by now, you would have stopped worrying about job security. Truth be told, I don’t think there is job security. You are so talented, but most times, you cannot see it. If you put your mind to it, you will do great in whatever career you end up in. This stage of job hunting will be trivial when you look back in a few years. I know that by the time you read this, you will be in a good place in your career because I believe in your ambition.

I hope that you have stopped painting only when you are sad. I know that the past few years have not been kind, changes were coming in every direction, and you had to do a lot of learning. Truth be told, the amount of life experience you have endured in the past few years is enough to fill the gap of a decade. You had a bad habit of painting only when you are going through a heartbreak. This all started with D***** because he was your first love and your first unrequited love. He goes on about his day and forgets he ever heard your name. For you, it meant that you were not good enough. I know that you will still remember all those times when it took all of you to get up each day. You paint because words are almost never enough to show how you truly feel. To be alright someday, you put those emotions in a painting because colors can tell a story that is otherwise ineffable. I hope that you can move past all the “Mr. Perfectly Fine” in your life and paint the things that make you happy for once.

Everything will be alright, and I will see you in a few years.

-Past self