Where to?
I’ve been asking myself the same question for a while now, where to?
Most days, I feel like I am driving a fast car with no directions or destination in mind. What are all the struggles for? Every day, I live as though I am a time traveler. Even with my physical presence, I am mentally enveloped with future conundrums. I am not sure what to make of this mental egress. Perhaps it’s a way to avoid the problems right in front of me. If everyone had the ability to observe how my mind worked, they would see it is filled with broken thoughts. I have a theory as to why that is. Although I enjoy alone time, I don’t think I am built to be alone for long periods of time. The second I am left to sit with my own thoughts, I inadvertently generate irrational ideas. I would be lying if I said I enjoy coming home every day alone and on my own. Being alone with these thoughts is like driving down a dead-end street. I miss being alright someday.
Until recently, I did not think I had the strength to make decisive decisions because nothing made sense. I had no idea where my career was heading because I did not know what I wanted to do. I knew I had to inevitably leave my current position because I no longer wanted to stay in research. What else am I good for if not to continue a career in science? I just want to feel like I can be someone someday. All this ever-growing anxiety is manifesting as though it can tangibly asphyxiate what is left of me. Every now and then, I get too intoxicated to be scared. That momentary liberation is euphoric, but I know I am better off without it. I try very hard to remind myself to push through these moments of weakness. Everything around me is changing rapidly as though I am driving inebriated. Deep down, I believe that everything will work out. I just need that reminder every now and then.
Life is too short to even care at all. These problems will seem so trivial a decade down the line. So I have to wonder why I struggle so hard to find a way to see this straight. Perhaps I care too much about what people think. Perhaps it is my need for control in every aspect of my life. I don’t really know what the right answer is if there is even a right answer. The only thing I can do is to take it one day at a time and truly embrace that sentiment. I want to be present in my body rather than addressing fictitious future scenarios.
To answer my own question, “Where to?” I just want to get to a place where I feel like I belonged.