So It Goes…Whatever Happens, Happens
It’s been a while since I wrote on here. We have some catching up to do.
This past year has been mostly a downhill rollercoaster. I’m sure everyone is going through their own hardships and challenges. Looking back, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced so many changes in my life in such a short period of time. Just a quick recap, during quarantine, I got really depressed (again) but finally got the help I needed (AKA antidepressants and anxiolytics). The person I like (with whom I had a genuine connection) moved far away as July came around. Saying goodbyes are never easy, so I gave one final hug instead. I went home to San Francisco for 3 months to recover and be with familiar faces. I desperately needed that escape because Philadelphia was a reminder of sadness. I came back to Philadelphia in October and applied to graduate schools. Things were seemingly going my way for the first time in a long while.
Fast forward to this year in 2021, I’m dealing with a new set of changes, and of course, nothing ever goes according to plan. As of March, going to graduate school is no longer a viable option (AKA I didn’t get in). So here is my current dilemma, do I wait another year and try again, or do I move on to a different career path? What even am I doing? I’m 24 now and just don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Career change is such a big move, especially entering into a completely different field. Science is all I know. Am I even qualified to do anything else? Most days, I feel like I’m stuck in limbo… drowning and waiting to be rescued. If there is a book out there that can tell me how to adult, I could really use it right now. But the truth is, the only person that can pull me out of limbo is myself, and deep down, I know it. This is one of those moments in life where I wish I could just fast-forward until I get to the good parts.
As I’m writing this, I wish I could just pack a bag and just leave my immediate vicinity. Running away is so easy; I wouldn’t have to deal with the sadness and the challenges of being a kid in his 20s. But I guess I could never truly run away from my problems because it always catches up to me. I’ve had so many people telling me to be strong and get over these problems. The thing is, I don’t believe I can ever get over any of my problems. I don’t think I will ever get over the person who left me back in July because a part of me will always remember those moments in between. Do I need somebody just to feel like I’m alright? Perhaps I’m scared to be lonely. I guess I just have to move through and be brave.
As if life isn’t complicated enough, I am dealt with yet another change. Remember J*** from my previous post under He’s Dating Around? He is back! Last we checked on J***, he vanished and went MIA. I don’t know what prompted me to reach out to him; perhaps I was feeling brave. I finally got an answer after 2 years. I thought I was the problem for so long and had done something wrong to drive him away, but that simply wasn’t true. He wasn’t ready for more at the time and didn’t know how to communicate, so he chose to leave. I don’t blame him because I could’ve easily done the same. Now that he is back in my life, what’s next? Drum roll, please…. J*** will be moving away in July to start a new job. I guess I just have the worse luck with timing. I am sad and frustrated because history is repeating itself and there is nothing I can do about it. Everyone I like and care for just ends up leaving. What am I suppose to do? I want to believe everything happens for a reason, but why does it have to be so egregious every time? I don’t know what will happen in these next few months, and it terrifies me. All these changes are coming like impending doom.
It’s going to be an interesting ride; I guess there’s no backing out now.