Moving Home During COVID-19
Let me preface this by saying it was not my first choice to fly on a plane from Philadelphia to San Francisco (with a layover in Seattle).
Now let's start from the beginning. It was March 16th, 2020, when I first started the stay-at-home order in Philadelphia. It was truly an interesting experience since it was was the first time I'm working from home. Given that most of my work was done in the lab, this was quite the challenge, but it worked out. It was a nice break at the beginning of quarantine since I got to stay home with my dog (Armie) all day. I've never been able to do this before, besides during the holiday season in December. I currently live in a one-bedroom apartment in Philly with no roommates, so self-isolation was relatively easy. Things were going well for me because now I had time to work out at home and be productive, maybe even read the books that I bought but never read for some odd reason. Truth be told, I'm terrible at starting and finishing books, except for audiobooks. At least it's one of those hopeful promises (lies) you make to yourself, kind of like how people started making bread out of nowhere. Though I must say, I did enjoy the babka that my friend made.
All was good until it hit the 4th week of self-quarantine, and it was then when the reality of self-isolation hits me. Sure, having a dog helps cope with the loneliness of being stuck in my apartment for 24 hours a day. I would still take Armie out for a walk twice a day and get some sunlight in. If I'm going to be honest, I probably would not have gone outside if it hadn't been for taking Armie out for walks. I am stuck in my apartment, moving from my bed to my couch with nobody to talk to IRL. Maybe having a roommate wasn't such a bad idea, but it does make hookup up with people a lot more complicated. That's a story for a different time, I digress. My depression and anxiety started to kick in and staying at home all day & all night has provided the perfect environment to overthink things. I have a tendency to be in my head a lot and too often to have fictitious arguments and heated debates in my head. Time indeed seemed like static limbo when it comes to the typical day to day routine. I would wake up, drink coffee, check emails, join meetings, eat, walk Armie, sleep, and repeat. Yet, somehow when I check the calendar, it would be June, and I realize that half the year is over, and I've achieved nothing in my 23rd year of life.
Armie really likes to walk along the river trail because he can see other dogs. I have to constantly remind him to socially distance. He still ends up playing with other dogs.
By mid-May, I realized that self quarantining alone for months on end, with no family or friends (they're all in California and elsewhere), was rapidly deteriorating my mental health. Now, I've been depressed many times before, so I knew what that feeling was like, but I usually can keep it under control. But this pandemic has thrown off all sorts of balance and any form of previous anxiolytic remedies I had. At this point, I knew I had to leave Philly. I was having mental breakdowns left and right, and crying myself to sleep every other night. I would complain to my friends about how stressed I felt but didn't know why. I would call my sister and break down in front of her over Facetime. I was honestly a mess of a human being. Who knew being alone for months on end could be so depressing and stressful. Don't answer that, it was meant to be rhetorical/ satirical.
On May 26th, I took a big scary step and decided to leave my work for 3 months. I didn't know what to expect when I told my boss about my current mental state and that I need time away to be with my family. I honestly thought no one would care and certainly did not expect my boss to be okay with taking time off. Remember how I said I tend to overthink things, well, this was undoubtedly one of those times. I was terrified of requesting time off from work because I thought that my boss would dismiss and undermine my state of health (they sort of did in the beginning). There would also be these thoughts of what-ifs. What if I leave and my work falls behind? What if everyone else hates me because I took time off from the lab while everyone's still working? What if my boss won't write me a recommendation letter because I took time off? If I could talk to myself 2 months ago, I would tell that Tyler to say FUCK IT to all of the above. Since I can't do that, I'll just say this here. NOTHING in life is worth sacrificing your mental health and state of happiness. If this job doesn't value my happiness, then it's time to move on because I know there will be better future opportunities. Now I'm only 23, so of course, my outlook in life will change over time. Still, I know that these expectations and stress that we put onto ourselves are detrimental to our mental health. And it's okay to not know what you're doing in life. Heck, I'm 23, so why should I figure out what I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life. It doesn't matter what age you are, you don't have to figure everything out.
Philadelphia International Airport
Traveling with Armie on a plane was quite the experience. Needless to say, Armie doesn’t like flying on a plane.
After going through all this internal turmoil, I booked a one-way ticket on July 1st back to San Francisco, and I've been here ever since. I could honestly say I'm happier being in California with my family. I haven't felt that same pit of dread that I've felt back in Philly. I definitely don't experience that same level of stress during self quarantining. I mean, I still have general anxiety, but that's a conversation I'll have with my doctor. For now, I will take this time and do things that will make me happy.
Until next time,
XOXO Gossip Girl…. Just Kidding, I couldn't help myself.